Off The Duff

May 17 2013

Tout va bien

Tout va bien. Tout va bien.

That means – EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Reports are beginning to surface on the web about a ‘pseudo-incident’ that happened along the Cannes Croisette (in front of The Martinez hotel) about two and a half hours ago here.

What was first reported as fireworks mistaken as gunshots then turned into actual gunshots then turned into a man shooting blanks holding an artificial grenade — and this was all before the international media even picked up on it.

Our students and program director – many of whom were still in Cannes at the time of the ‘incident’ around 8PM tonight – were not even aware that anything ‘out of the ordinary’ had occurred. I just sent an email to our listserv explaining what we know in an attempt to stay ahead of the potential onslaught of concerned calls and emails caused by more and more outlets picking up the story.

Now that a solid couple of hours have passed I am sickened to see the filth coming out in this desperate-for-clicks status update from the Facebook page of The Hollywood Reporter, in particular:

The Hollywood Reporter

Panic and chaos at Cannes Film Festival 2013. Christoph Waltz is rushed offstage on live TV amid sounds of gunfire. A man with a “suspicious device” is apprehended. Watch video of the terrifying incident. http://bit.ly/11KL5Ox

Filth. Fear-mongering. And a pathetic excuse for journalism. That’s what that is. ESPECIALLY considering earlier statuses and tweets from the mag’s social media pages regarding the disturbance were tepid at best. Now I see that they have “amped up” their wording and descriptions to compete with other sites who are picking it up. What an absolutely pathetic practice. I seriously may walk down to their booth by the Hotel Stephanie tomorrow and complain. We deserve better. The Festival – nay, THE WORLD – deserves better.

Furthermore, within 15-minutes of its posting, that ridiculous status had already been ‘shared’ by close to 100 others on Facebook (no doubt, by folks who are at least a flight away from the Croisette).

I am appalled and angered at THR who SHOULD know better as they are a mainstay here in Cannes each year and certainly have enough eye-witnesses on the ground who can assuredly report that everything is ‘business as usual’ along the Croisette tonight, despite this reported brief interruption.

It may be tomorrow before we find out the real story of what happened tonight, but in the meantime the last thing anyone needs is a false sense of fear drummed up by some desperate social media coordinators.

For attendees of the Festival and their network of friends and family alike spread across the globe, I beg the media to report the facts instead of cluttering up the phone lines and email waves should something truly newsworthy occur.

Signed,

Completely Safe in Cannes

(along with ALL of our 26 students and 2 professors…)

Tagged The Hollywood Reporter

May 16 2013

1 Comment

Cannes Film Festival, UGA Students

No Bling for Me

I was not alone.

There were many of our students and a professor, too, that fell victim to the allure and fate of Sofia Coppola’s new film, “The Bling Ring” (based on these actual events), which opened the Un Certain Regard competition tonight in Cannes.

With a screening time of 7:45PM we queued up in the drizzly Debussy Theatre line at 5PM – some folks, even earlier than that. But even after 3+ hours of standing in line with other Festival and Market Badge possessors we didn’t make it into the premiere.

Methinks it could have something to do with the curious fact that the line started at about a 3-person width (shown below on the LEFT – photo taken @5:15) and miraculously ended with an 8 or 9-person width (shown below on the RIGHT – photo taken @7:30). Funny how that happens, huh?

Curses on you cheaters and line-cutters!

Ahhh, well. What can you do?

Guess there’s nothing left to say but – “And, so it is…”

Tagged "The Bling Ring", Sofia Coppola, Un Certain Regard

May 12 2013

2 Comments

Shoutout

Happy Mother’s Day (The Terrorists Win)

Every year around Mother’s Day marks the time in which I venture over to France for my annual two-month stint at the Cannes Film Festival and the Cannes Lions Festival of Creativity. Since 2006, like clockwork, on my way out of Hartsfield Jackson I drop a Mother’s Day card in the USPS mailbox en route to my gate.

This year, however, this would not be the case. For, the terrorists have won.

Blame it on me. Blame it on my procrastination. I blame the terrorists.

Leading up to this year’s departure was old hat and hectic all at the same time. I’d planned ahead and bought my M-Day card last May, but I still hadn’t gotten around to writing the inside message by the time I arrived at the terminal this year.

The first leg of my journey to France, from Atlanta to New York, would allow for the perfect chunk of uninterrupted time to write my Mother’s Day card(s). And birthday ‘thank yous’…from last month. And (gasp!) wedding ‘thank yous’…from *cough cough* six months ago..*cough cough cough*. (Again, the procrastination factor…)

Fast forward to our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and the flight, as planned, was perfect for my pen to paper time — two hours, all forty (yes, 40!) respective notes complete, I’m feeling pretty good about myself. That is, until I enter that special corner of hell known as JFK Airport.

What is it about this place that makes everything miserable? Seriously?! Improper signage (if there is any), minimally functioning (or English-speaking) workers, no A/C. For real! JFK is the worst!

Blame it on the North. Blame it on whatever. I blame the terrorists.

My mission is simple: locate gate of my next departure, find food, drop notes in mailbox. Not difficult. Or so I thought.

“Where can I find a post office dropbox,” I ask a JFK worker at my arrival gate…and at a newstand and in the bathroom and while mid-terminal-traversing and at my new departure gate and at a Chili’s and so on and so on and so on.

Finally, now completely and uncomfortably sweaty and flushed (thanks, terminal-without-air-conditioning…I mean, is this still America?!) I haul my carry-ons, my cardigan and scarf (that I have removed amidst my pre-menopausal Sahara-esque heat stroke), and of course my perfectly pressed stack of 40 notes and expensive stationery that is becoming moister by the minute over to a Currency Exchange booth to inquire about that GD post office dropbox again.

I could just barely hear the reply of the one semi-English speaking worker over the other one’s scoffs and laughter. “Oh no, there aren’t any here at all. They got rid of all of those.”

First of all, who is “they?”

Second of all, what the $%%(@#&!)%#%Q(*%#$()?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!!?!

Seriously, IS THIS STILL America?! Land of the “free” (as in drop your mail in the appropriate receptacle at an appropriate government-run facility sans hassle), home of the “brave” (as in unafraid to maintain logical placement of said receptacles at said facilities)??

I was pissed. I was red (not so much from anger, but more so from still being in the un-airconditioned hell hole that is JFK).

Congratulations, terrorists. You win.

Are you happy?! You’ve taken our liquid carry-ons, you’ve taken our cute and colorful swiss army knives off our keychains, and now you’ve taken our in-airport mailboxes. You (collectively) are an ass.

It must be so satisfying knowing that I now have a beautiful array of pre-stamped, pre-addressed cards sitting in my South of France apartment (shown above) that I now have to rely on the notoriously shoddy international mail system to ship BACK to my husband in ATL so he can drop them in his hopefully-still-in-tact work mailbox for me.

Because, you know…next to Jihad and explosive vests the most effective form of terrorism and general ne’er-do-welling is preventing my mom and new mother-in-law from receiving their Mother’s Day cards on time. You guys really are heartless, aren’t you?

Well, in conclusion, sorry Mom and sorry BJ. Hopefully your Mother’s Day cards will be there by Father’s Day.

Terrorists : 1

My efforts/Mother’s Day : 0

JFK Airport : Negative infinity

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

Tagged Happy Mother's Day, JFK Airport

May 09 2013

Welcome to FRANCE, 2013

I am posting this from my iPhone (yes, I have an iPhone now. Hell hath frozen over…) as I’ve yet to have any quality computer time in my first 48-hours here.

In this initial rush of preparations before the waves of students begin arriving on Saturday I have found it feasible to update my Instagram account fairly frequently and occasionally share it to my Off The Duff page on Facebook.

In layman’s terms for my parents or in-laws reading this…go to Instagram.com and search for the user: @abeavduff to see what yours truly has been doing – and, more importantly – EATING!

I hope to find the time to blog regularly now that I’m more technologically adept – even if it’s just with quick updates or photos from the Festival. I can be your own personal E! livestream for all things Cannes. Just call me Giuliana Rancic.

Anyway, I digress- it’s after 11pm France time and I’m still battling jetlag.

Check out Instagram and/or Facebook to catch up with me in the meantime. Talk soon!

Tagged Instagram

Apr 22 2013

1 Comment

Rant, University of Georgia

Jeah Dawgs

Let me go on record as saying that E! television network’s newest reality show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?,” is the greatest thing to happen to University of Georgia fans, alumni and supporters since a star was named after our school. (It’s been a big week for us “Dawgs.”)

Seriously, this train wreck is a must-see for any red & black wearer. After watching the show you may even feel compelled to unroll that degree of yours and kiss it (only open-mouthed if it’s already been framed). That last part goes for not just Georgia grads, but for anyone outside of Gainesville, FL and UF, Lochte’s alma mater.

No lie, in my life I have actually had a University of Florida grad refer to UF as “the Harvard of the South” without a hint of facetiousness. I, myself, prefer the nicknames “University of America’s Wang” or “University of Where Tebow Once Cried,” but, admittedly, I am an unapologetic Gator Hater, and I digress…

My point is, the arrogance that is bred in that town is epidemic and the narcissistic dolt, Lochte, is but one example. Sorry I’m not sorry, Gator fans, but your university deemed this douchebag dummy worthy of the same “prestigious” degree you’re holding. Food for thought…

It’s not to say that the Lochtinator* is a terrible person or mean or what have you. He is just truly, authentically, helplessly unintelligent and, at least so far, is not in on the joke.

(*I’m not sure if I just made up that word or if it already exists in his lexicon of douchery with coined terms like “Lochterage,” “Lochtenation,” and of course “Jeah,” a catchphrase he ripped off from famed rapper, Young Jeezy.)

In interviews he sites Kim Kardashian as someone he admires since she brought herself from virtual obscurity to reality television super-stardom. However, one must realize that the person/brand that Kardashian and others before her (like Jessica Simpson) have created were done so with chess master-esque precision by their astute, albeit opportunistic, parent-managers which is more than can be said for Lochte’s mom (whose offspring, besides Ryan, include this idiotic racist).

Moreover, Lochte’s reality show predecessors understood the brand they were selling – they knew how they came off and laughed along with those laughing at them all the way to the bank. Being a calculated idiot (a sex tape with Ray J and “chicken of the sea,” anyone?) has proven to be much more lucrative than just a regular idiot (a la “The Jersey Shore” cast) which is why the now multi-million dollar industries of Kardashian and Simpson continue to thrive well past their fifteen-minute expiration.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we are the pawns. Maybe Ryan Lochte is an incredible genius who has us all fooled. I have my doubts, but I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this and this and the clip below and I encourage you to at least sit through a few minutes of the swimming wunderkind’s show.

Oh, and GO DAWGS!!

Tagged Ryan Lochte, trash talk, UGA-1785